Essay / Non-Fiction

My shoes aren’t meant for running

We all run.

It is one of the primal instincts that we have. To run whenever we meet challenges and scary stuff along the way. Sometimes, we are too carried away that we almost forget we’re still on the run. Until we realize, we have ran long enough that we’re already numbed.

Just this morning, I realized how numb I am. I sleep, eat, and go to work every day and nothing much else. I remembered, there are other things that I could be doing now, but I chose not to. Because it’s easier to run away.

You know, things can be really painful to the point of wanting to not feel anything anymore. Thus suicide is a convenience. Some people feel the pleasure of inflicting these pains, or seeing somebody suffer. Even some of your so-called friends look forward to that. Sometimes, you see your dreams and future being crushed in your face. You cannot do anything about it and all you can say is “I could have…”.

Some will easily disconnect, because it is convenient. While others, will try to sympathize, empty sympathy. Sometimes, things will be brewed right under your very nose, and later on you’ll find yourselves in the web of messy and complicated things that you want to evaporate.

But ending things won’t resolve anything. It will just end it, but not solve it.  Facing it is ideal, but sometimes it leaves bigger and deeper wounds that even time will find it difficult to heal. But there’s always an option. You can run away.

While movies and TV series always leave us the lesson to stop running and face whatever challenges head on, life isn’t always as ideal as it could be. And from what I learned and experienced, running away can sometimes do the trick.

I’ve been running for a while now, and it made me realize one thing. When you have been running for so long, eventually you will find a place where you can rest and regain your energy. A place where you can feel you can stop running for a while. And a place where you can contemplate on the reason why you are running. A place you can call home.

I’ve never been that attached to our home. Until now. When I realized that however the world seems to conspire to bring you down, nobody can touch you whenever you’re home. You may not have the strongest defense but your family, or those you consider your family are more than enough to come to your aid.

Then you’ll realize, you can run, then you can restart. Not necessarily to go back to where things were before, but you can recreate things that you think could have been for you. Have a new job, have a new place, learn something you. Along the way, you’ll meet people, you’ll find good people, and you’ll have more lasting relationships. Then slowly, you can trace back to where you started.

Don’t be afraid to run if you cannot handle things. But also, don’t let yourself to run every time and all the time. At least set a point where you will stop and prepare yourself from facing things again. When you know you have enough distance, maybe it is more productive to start preparing. By doing that, you’ll gain more than enough strength to do things, to face things. So when the past starts to resurface, you’ll be ready.

Sometimes you run away because you’re not yet ready, and you’re not mature enough to understand. And when you start to admit it to yourself, you should find a way to start understanding things the way adults should. Then you will learn a piece or two. Then the pain will be lesser, the wounds will be far easier to manage.

I am still on the run, and soon, I know I’ll stop. It’s just that, the pain is still there and I am afraid to do things I will regret later as I did before when I was really, really immature (not that I am already mature now). This is just temporary, just to get away from all these stress that I should stop thinking from now on.

And oh, if you’re going to run, at least have a decent pair of shoes, and a nice well-fitted outfit.

 

 

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