Essay / Non-Fiction

Why you can never hate love

(My entry for JOURNEYS, the literary folio of the UP Journalism Club)

Let me remind you that you are always the reason why D’bar, GSM Blue, Red Horse and their other friends in the shelves are nowhere to be found.

Do you remember the day you introduced yourself as bright, glamorous, ecstatic and fulfilling? You actually overused all the positive adjectives I know that were written in my untouched pocket dictionary.

You said you’ll never abandon me, leave me—like the sunset and the butterflies dancing in the air—behind the miseries I’ve been dreading.

I waited for your sunset on a stormy day and the dances of the butterflies on their second night. Just like the visually magnificent unicorns in my dreams, your existence is only for people who are gifted enough to stay asleep.

And you woke me up, and left me.

I was alone when painfully reminiscing his name, his face, his voice. The only thing that drives my sanity is the assurance that you’ll find a way to bring back the shattered glass of our dreams. How painful that might be, I was willing to shed blood, tears and sweat.

I called out once. You didn’t answer. I tried again. And again. And again. Until my own body revolt because of my stupidity. Still, you found the guts to ignore me

I found refuge on my self-created excuses, glorifying my own imperfections, telling the world out loud, that you are the one who caused this daydream nightmare. Had it not because of your bitter farewell, there are thousands of we-could-have-beens and we-could-have-dones that will be added to our memories.

You walked away.

I was left broken—promising to refuse you, once you are back, if ever you will come back

********************

I was awake for I don’t know how long, guarding myself to enter the trance that you once used against me. I do not trust my eyelids to close, because I know I will not resist the charm of those unicorns.

This is the fourth time that it happened between us, but the most excruciating one. The mere remembrance of yesterday’s memory is enough to inflict a thousand of voltage to torture my fragile heart.

But I am most vulnerable without you.

*******************

Just like in kindergarten, I learned how to forget my lessons and spend time playing, completely oblivious with the things surrounding me. Slowly, I am trying to live a life, at least trying. I faked my smile, learned how to force a laugh realistically, pretended to be okay until I convinced myself to suck it all up.

I knew you never left me. You just took your time, as you always did, just to ensure that you were as pure as the first night of the fairy tale. You don’t want to exist in the middle of compromises, excuses, forced combination and extreme pressure.

You are selfish to want to exist what you meant to be. That’s why although many of us found you, only few of us managed to keep you.

But you are the best and the worst casino in the world. We are your addicted bettors and you shuffle the cards. We try to play different combinations, to use different techniques, to achieve the prize we’ve been longing for. Some were easily satisfied, while the likes of me always say this is my last try, and if it fails, I’ll stop. But no matter how many times I failed, I keep on convincing myself there’s another round after all.

I never noticed that another round started, and I am once again betting.

You are standing in front of me, waving, and reminding me of the rules of the game.

First, only stupidity can kill you in this game. Second, you have unlimited tries. The third is more of an advice, take your time, do not rush.

I am convinced once again to meddle with you again. Knowing you has its perks—I was able to discover things about myself and about the world. But one must be ready when decide to shake things up.

My pillows are ready, and my bed has new sheets. My eyelids are finally heavy, and I am now ready to sleep.

 

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