DAY 4: Jessie
I woke up, again, with no one beside me. But this time, there’s no noise in the kitchen. No sound of dripping water from the shower. No sound of footsteps anywhere. I stood up and looked for him outside the room. He was not there. In fact, everything looked more orderly and neat. But some things were missing.
I went to his cabinet. Nothing was there—except a letter that he wrote.
I read the letter, slowly.
Do you remember the first day we met each other? You were wearing your favorite white shirt with paint splashed on it. It didn’t go missing, actually. I got it and had it framed. It was actually the background of our picture I hanged on our sala, together with the shirt I was wearing that day. I thought you would notice that if you flipped the frame, you would see our shirts I tried my best to shape like a heart. I know you are rolling your eyes now because of my “cheesyness” but please bear with me. Hahaha!
Thank you for being my best friend, my brother, my love. I don’t know what will happen to me, who will I become and where I will be if you did not come into my life. You taught me so many things, from being street-smart to being strong and confident as a person. I have a lot to thank you for because you helped me discover what I can do, and who I am. Also, thank you for loving me above anyone else.
Before you think of anything, I just want you to know how much I love you. And because of that I need to do this. I know you have an offer right now to move to the main office of your company in Thailand. Congratulations for being the youngest Regional Director ever! (Thanks to Google, I was able to find that out.) I am proud of you for getting the spot. I know that the reason why you haven’t accepted that offer is because of me. You know I don’t want to live in another country. I thought we could work it out by having a long-distance relationship but look at us now. We still live in the same house but we rarely talk to each other.
Sorry for leaving you like this. I didn’t intend to do this but I know, I will not be able to leave if I will see you cry. Get the job and follow your dreams. I don’t want you to choose me over the things that make you happy, that make you feel alive. I promised before that I would never interfere with your job, that it would not come to the point where I would ask you to choose between me or your career. But now I am the one who made the choice for us, for the very first time. I don’t want to limit you from being the best in your industry. I know this is your dream. And this is your chance.
We need this Mahal. I just want to salvage what is left of our relationship. I want to know if the feeling is still strong enough to hold us together for the years to come. We need this time to know more about ourselves. This time, without each other for us to realize our own potentials. I know you will do great, better than me actually. You are much stronger, more intelligent and smarter than me. You handled several big accounts alone, I know you can handle this too.
I don’t want us to reach our breaking points. Every single issue that we have turns to big ones whenever we have arguments. I really don’t want to turn the love that we have into hatred. Maybe I am just confused but what I know is we are not the same people we used to be six years ago. I am getting tired of being a shadow in our relationship. During the past few months, we rarely eat together, we rarely do things together. Yes, we are living under the same roof, sleeping on the same bed, sharing the same pillow but when was the last time we made love before we broke up? You can’t remember because it’s been ages ago.
I wasn’t asking you to devote all of your time to us but we need time together. And I don’t want to be selfish. That is why I am making things easier for you. You also need time to be free from me. Do what you want and accomplish what you need to accomplish. Achieve your dreams and never think that you are being selfish just because you wanted to do so many things. Remember, your dreams are my dreams and I will be really happy, shouting out loud, and very proud every time you reach a new milestone in your life.
I know you will understand it Mahal. I talked to Cristy regarding this. I told her you will take the job and also, that she should help you fix all the necessary things for you to go to Thailand. Please, do not find me. No worries, I am not with anyone else. In fact, I am afraid I will not be able to find someone like you again. You loved me so much and I don’t think another person can do the same to me. Do me a favor and kick ass in your company.
I took our pictures together, also a set of your clothes, your favorite boxers (the one with Patrick on it), and our piggy bank filled with your letters to me. I want to hold on to our memories for a while. If ever you find another person to love, go for it. Do not think that I will be hurt. Yes, I will be but you deserve to be happy. It is my decision anyway. I will just suck it up, maybe alone. I actually resigned a month ago and last Friday was my last day. I will go somewhere and pursue my dreams of having a bakeshop. I already have a house to live in and a space I rented for the bakeshop. It’s quite small but it’s fine with me. I’ll just work harder to make it bigger someday. I look forward to the day that I can serve you my specialty.
I am praying that one day, you’ll come back to the country and I will be mature enough to understand you better. Hopefully, things will work out for us. Hopefully, our love will still exist. But for now, it is better to have live our separate lives.
Don’t forget how much I love you.
PS. Don’t forget your schedule, I included a bunch of to-do lists for you.
I don’t know what to do. Strength left me. He left me.
When love ceases to exist, so does life.